I am Shocked and Appalled

People say funny things. And by funny, I mean terribly rude.
To protect the identities of those involved, I shall use pseudo-names.

So at lunch, my friend “Billy” was eating his lunch as usual. Not as usual, his crush was sitting next to him. Casual conversation, blah blah blah, and then she (his crush), who hadn’t eaten lunch, reaches over to take one of his fries and eats it. In response, Billy says, “You know, that’s going to make you fat.”
If there’s a sound attributed to my eyes getting really big, it would have been perfect.
I gave Billy “the talk” afterwards, but I must admit, I laughed very hard when it happened.

During rehearsal for a musical event, “Jim” was sitting 2nd chair to another player, “Cher”. Recently, Jim had received a very high honor for his playing and apparently had an inflated sense of his status. Now, know that chairs basically never change. People take the parts they get, which are determined in an undocumented, yet generally fair manner, and they play this parts all year. In this case, the chairs were decided justly and in an appropriate manner. Well, Cher had just finished playing a particular solo she had in the music when the director stopped to make a comment. Jim raises his hand and asks, “Should we switch?” “Switch lines playing…?” responds the director. “Switch parts,” Jim replies.
Ouch.