My parents may disagree, but as a child, I was pretty obedient. Their instructions were mostly sensible. Or I followed without questioning. Or I was oblivious to what was actually going on.
However, some things never quite made sense to me. Some were probably just quirks of my parents as humans. Others now make a lot more sense to me, especially since having children myself.
Here are a few I have noticed.
Not ordering food
My parents do not eat standard American-sized portions at restaurants. However, they aren’t rabbits and will generally eat a reasonable amount of food.
However, my parents would sometimes order something small like a salad and say something like, “Oh, I’m not that hungry right now.” It struck me as a little odd but not enough to make a fuss about.
Since having children, there is always extra food lying around, and I have some guilt about food waste. When there’s a good chance that there will be half of a sandwich left on someone else’s plate, it doesn’t make much sense for me to get a full serving, too.
In fact, even when we’re eating family-style at home, I often will eat less than I’m content with. If my children eat big meals and nothing is left, I will snack after they go to bed. If they leave food on their plates, I’ll pick at that while cleaning up. Or maybe I’ll just take a few extra bites when I’m putting leftovers away.
Of course, this habit of eating off my children’s plate is completely unrelated to how I contract more of their illnesses than Julie does.
Extra-curricular activities
When I was growing up, my mom chauffeured my sisters and me to a lot of activities. At the time, I was entirely unappreciative and assumed this was normal.
In my pre-children adult years, I thought about it and was quite impressed by the time and effort she put into getting us to gymnastics or baseball or whatever. And it’s expensive. What a saint!
However, now as a parent, I realize how great classes and activities are. For me.
Sure, it’s good for my children, too (if not too much).
But it also works well for me. The parent and child classes took more effort, but once activities are led by coaches, then these classes are a break. I know that my children are being watched through enriching activities, and someone else is getting out their energy.
Meanwhile, I can do my own thing. My mom knitted; I bring a book. And there’s some light conversation with other parents (if I want it) commiserating over the tough parts of parenting.
Video games
I played a lot of video games growing up. More than I knew was good for me. And I knew my parents would have been elated for me to trade my video game time for something even vaguely productive. They tried: sometimes harder and sometimes less.
First, people (I) can be stubborn. Especially given my penchant for games, my parents had no chance against the addictive design of modern video games.
Second, video games are really, really good babysitters. I’ll give my parents credit for having squashed TV for us. It was hard for us to miss out on TV, but it was probably tougher for them to deal with us. Perhaps losing TV actually drove me towards video games.
Third, and perhaps where I give them the most grace, I turned out alright. Could I have done more with my childhood if I had never discovered Diablo 2? Absolutely. Could they complain about my grades? Not really.
My children aren’t quite at that age yet, but I’m getting the empathy here. Screen time is an even bigger beast today, and I suspect I’ll have to grapple with the same concerns.
Not wanting gifts
My dad got a lot of tools for Christmas. And usually it was just one because my sisters and I all took partial credit for this thing that we didn’t understand but my mom said that he needed.
And honestly, I can’t remember a single gift I got for my mom as a child.
Sorry, mom.
But not really. My parents never made a fuss about it, and maybe they would have liked more, but on this side, it’s not a big deal. First, if I want something, I can get it for myself. Second, if I don’t obviously want something, then it becomes my problem to come up with something.
So when Christmas comes around, I’m happy to let my children rip open gifts and immediately forget the last thing. The experience is the real gift.
Final Thoughts
Everyone is influenced by their environments, though not always in predictable ways. I know the areas where I am becoming my parents. I know where I have deliberately chosen otherwise. I’m probably completely unaware of their influence in many other ways.
However, growing up certainly has given me more perspective. Someone once told me, “once you have children and a house, your parents will make a lot more sense.”
I’m getting there.